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© 1998-2001 Dru
Pagliassotti
All rights reserved.
Five Problems with Gamers
and Dating
 I've been gaming for
something along the line of 20 years now, which would be from my teens
to my thirties—basically, the busiest dating years—and I've
seen the best and the worst of intergamer dating. I've seen gamer friends
date, break up, marry, and divorce, and I've seen many a good AD&D
game shot down in flames as a result of these interpersonal interludes.
This week—I write this mere hours before leaving to watch a gaming
friend get married to a mundane—I want to discuss some of the interpersonal
problems that arise when you try to mix gaming and romance. If you've
been gaming for a long time, you're probably already familiar with many
of these situations. If you're a newcomer to gaming, you might just want
to keep these potential problems in mind and try to think of how you're
going to handle them, whether you're doing the dating yourself or are
in a group where dating is starting to take its toll.
1. Dating takes
time away from gaming. Let's face it, all those hours you used
to spend drawing dungeons and thinking of the next best way to kill your
players or outwit your DM are gone as soon as you hook up with that significant
other. Poof. Vanished without a trace as you spend all your time daydreaming
about your date, planning your date, going out on your date, reminiscing
about your date.....
2. Gaming takes
time away from dating. Is your sweetheart going to understand
why you're spending all day playing a game? Most mundanes don't get it.
Maybe you'll be lucky and s/he'll have some hobby you don't share that
takes up a full day, too, but what are the odds? I've seen many gamers
dragged home before the game was over because their significant others
were tired or bored or just want to have dinner, leaving the rest of the
gaming group short-handed ... especially if it's the DM who's just been
pulled away.
3. On the other
hand ... dating gamers can cause even more problems than dating mundanes.
At least if you're dating a mundane you can probably negotiate some kind
of mutually agreeable schedule. But if you're dating another gamer, and
you're both in the same game—well, then things can get tricky. Can
you two keep your romantic relationship out of the game ... or can you
keep the game out of your romantic relationship? ("You killed my
character! How could you?" "But darling, my character's an assassin
... he was hired to kill you!") I've seen tensions get high between
characters in a game when two of the players are having a lover's quarrel
in real life.
Of course, the game
can also be affected when you don't argue. Funny how often the characters
of two players who have fallen in love end up falling in love, too. ("My
character leaps in front of the dragon!" "But sweetie, you're
just a scrawny mage, and I'm playing a fighter!" "But darling,
I can't let you put yourself in danger!")
Or worse yet, what if
one of you is the DM? How many times have I seen a doting DM give his
or her honeybunch's character all the best magic items and attention while
the rest of the players roll their eyes in disgust? Overcompensation is
just as bad—when the DM tries to avoid favoritism by ignoring a
significant other completely and minimizing that character's participation
in the game, it can also end up causing hard feelings.
4. Breaking
up will break up the game. In a highly cohesive gaming group,
two romantically involved players who break up with each other can break
up the entire group ... or at least that particular campaign. It's even
worse when one of the players is the DM. A related problem is when a player
asks another player out for a date and gets rejected—that can cause
hard feelings in a gaming group, too. For example, since the ratio of
male to female gamers seems to be something along the lines of 10:1, chances
are any unattached female gamer is going to get a surfeit of date requests
from the gamer guys she knows—whether she's interested in them or
not. Somebody's going to get rejected at some point.... How will that
affect your group?
5. Staying together
can break up the game, too. When two gamers have children, their
ability to find time to game really suffers. Ever tried to game with a
baby, toddler, or small child in the house? It just doesn't work. When
the kid wants attention, the whole game goes on hold ... and again, it's
even worse if the parent is the DM. (It would be nice to suggest that
the players just hire a babysitter when they game, but that's not always
financially possible. For some reason, I've yet to meet a rich gamer....!)
So now you're asking,
OK, what are the options? Lead a life of celibacy? (Stop snickering, that
means no marriage as well as no sex.) Naaah. Somebody's gotta raise the
next generation of gamers, right? But just realizing what kind of problems
gamers face in their dating careers may help you cope with them. If you're
going to date a mundane, work out some way that you can continue to play
AD&D and maintain your relationship (the fates forbid you should quit
gaming!) If you're going to date a gamer, be aware that your personal
life and your characters' lives need to be kept separate. You probably
won't be able to keep them completely apart, but you can try. And if you're
not dating, but members of your gaming group are, brace yourself. You
may end up the innocent victim of any one of these situations. Love may
be a many-splendoured thing, but it would sure be nice if there were a
DM to arbitrate it once in a while!
originally written May 24, 1998
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