| © 1998-2001 Dru
Pagliassotti
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Top 10 Ways....
TOP 10 WAYS YOU CAN TELL YOUR DM IS MALE
 10. The campaign has
more maps than the National Geographic Society.
9. Your party keeps
finding all these 8-foot-long swords.
8. Your female character
can never seem to find any armour that comes with tummy or leg protection.
7. The only places your
female character ever finds to bathe are nice, open mountain streams—with
no cover.
6. None of the NPCs
ever bring up the dread word "marriage."
5. For one week out
of every month, your party is required to make additional wandering-monster
rolls due to what your DM refers to as your female character's "mysterious
recurring ailment."
4. There are only friendly
barmaids in every tavern your party visits, and only scantily-clad dancing
girls at every feast your party gets invited to.
3. The DM's favourite
NPC contact for your party is Mistress Tiffany, who runs the local brothel.
2. There are no female
NPCs over the age of 25 who aren't referred to as "a fearsome hag."
1. It's never, ever
a helpless stud in distress.
TOP 10 WAYS YOU CAN TELL YOUR DM IS FEMALE
10. She goes on and
on about the awful decor and dirt in the dungeon.
9. She rolls to see
if your character is having a bad hair day.
8. Her maps never align
correctly.
7. There are bathrooms
in the dungeon.
6. Players can actually
talk their way out of a fight.
5. The female NPCs can
do more than dance or serve tables.
4. All the villainous
male NPCs are sexist pigs and all the heroic male NPCs are sensitive feminists.
3. Philandering male
PCs have to roll for VD and may get hit up for child support in nine months.
2. About once a month
the campaign gets really deadly.
1. There are actually
women rulers who aren't drow.
TOP 10 REASONS THERE AREN'T MORE FEMALE ARCHMAGES IN THE AD&D
UNIVERSE
10. Oh, come on, pointy
hats, mage staffs, Wands of Wonder and Rods of Lordly Might?!
9. Everybody thinks
"wizard" and "mage" are male terms, and the female
equivalent isn't all that hot.
8. If they hear one
more male adventurer they've ticked off say "Are you sure witch should
start with a w?," they'll scream.
7. The local laird keeps
asking them to cast a permanent illusory facelift on his wife.
6. They keep getting
invited to the local mage's guild for "Wet Robe" night.
5. They're tired of
seeing their male peers crafting golems in the shape of Pamela Anderson.
4. Any time they cast
Berserk, some wiseass wants to know if it's their time of the month.
3. The DM never sends
any incubi to try to tempt them to the dark side, but all their male peers
are tempted by succubi regularly.
2. The local Hierophant
Druid keeps trying to corner them under the mistletoe.
1. Too many of the high-level
spells require excess testosterone as the main material component.
TOP 10 PICKUP LINES GAMER GIRLS HAVE HEARD FROM GAMER GUYS
10. "You're a girl?
You game?!"
9. (in game): "I'll
protect you!" (stepping in front of demilich)
8. "Hey, I should
show you my 36th level Paladin. Let me go get the character sheet, I'll
be right back!"
7. "The game's
at my place. It goes from 7 pm to ... whenever."
6. "I bet you could
help me paint my female miniatures. I never seem to get the shadows under
the breasts right."
5. In the game, the
guy is playing a male character and flirting with a female player who
is also playing a male character . When they find a Girdle of Opposite
Sex, the guy's character unhesitatingly puts it on.
4. "Oh, absolutely,
I believe in equal treatment for women gamers!" (as he tries to hide
his 'Nude Raider' t-shirt behind his gamebooks).
3. "Gee, you look
just like Lara Croft!"
2. He says nothing the
first time he meets you, but the next time you see him, he's bathed, brushed
his teeth, and there are no stains on his shirt.
1. "My character
worships Aphrodite, how about yours?"
TOP 10 PICKUP LINES GAMER GIRLS HAVE USED ON GAMER GUYS
10-1. "Hi."
Many thanks to Lije Bailey, Joan Bounacos, Rachael Hixon, Leah Jakusovsky,
and all the other gamer gals (and guys) who directly or indirectly contributed
to these lists.
originally written June 7, 1998
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